Dear future husband,
Congratulations! You are about to embark on an epic journey of awesome because people tell me all the the time that I’m awesome. And by “people,” I mean my mom. It’s probably because she made me, and the whole process hurt like a bitch so the pain turned to love by default. Kind of like the time I went glue gun crazy on an art project and the whole thing ended up sticky and bumpy like it had herpes. But it was herpes I made so I was really proud. Anyways. I know you think I’m awesome too because you want to marry me. Or maybe because I’m rich later in life and you are a gold digger? Either way, you are one lucky man and because I love you so much, here are some helpful tips on making our marriage last:
1. You know that saying, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend?” Well I’m no princess so I am going to make your life so much easier by being best friends with non-diamond jewelry, and pretty much anything else that’s furry, shiny, soft, squishy, heavy and/or wearable.
2. I’m a girl (duh). And Korean (sorry). Which means you get twice the crazy in one package so whenever we have disagreements, here is the best solution- get naked. Because no one fights when they’re naked. Seriously, have you ever seen a naked fight?
3. Let’s make a deal. From the day we get married, we are only allowed to gain 10 lbs more from our wedding day weight. (Me being the exception of course when I’m knocked up because you know, I’m assembling a watermelon sized human in my uterus). Otherwise, it’s false advertisement and I’ll sue.
4. I like chocolate and butter. Sometimes separately, sometimesl together. Whether I’m on my monthly crime-scene-in-my-pants cycle or not.
5. I’m adopting a baby. We’ll have offspring of our own of course, but I’m still adopting a baby. You must be on board with this because it’s a big deal, and since marriage is a partnership, I shall let you choose between:
a. Adopting a baby from Korea.
b. Adopting a baby from Africa so we can make him/her super Korean.
c. Adopting a twin so 18 years later we can reunite them to see which adoptive parents fucked up their kid more.
6. I’m not going to lie. I worry about having fat kids. And if we do, I need you to be a strong role model and eat all the healthy crap I lay out because kids learn from their parents. Kind of like how I learned not to like fat people from my mom. It’s a vicious cycle.
Are you reconsidering your marriage proposal yet? If you’re smart, you would be.
But in all seriousness, let’s do this. Let’s shrink together until we’re old and gray, and wrinkly to the point where it looks like we spent our lives in a bathtub. Because even though we can’t really promise to love each other forever, we’re young and dumb enough to try. After all, love is fickle and blind and volatile and selfish, and depending on it for ever lasting stability and security is like depending on the ocean for calm sailing. But I guess what I’m trying to say is, love makes people do stupid things, and since I’m a pro at stupid things, let’s do this.
I do.
J.K. (Just so there’s no confusion, those are my initials. Not like, just kidding. I realize now I could have added my middle name initial and avoided this explanation but, oh well.)
