I crazy love whole foods. It’s like the Saks Fifth Avenue of the food world and whenever I walk in I know I don’t belong there, but I pretend to know what I’m shopping for lest the vegan hipsters judge me. I always wonder how people know what to buy there. There’s so many categories for specific food intolerant people, and I always wonder- how do I know whether or not I should be gluten-free, wheat-free, or sugar-free? Are these ingredients really so bad, or is this a new food trend like coconut oil? Which, by the way is very bad for you and not at all healthy as it is advertised. Do yo research.
As if that isn’t confusing enough, I don’t have any food intolerances except for dairy. I’ve handled gluten, wheat, and sugar very well my whole life so I really don’t belong to any of the awesome sections of the store that cater to specific dietary intolerances. My biggest concern is, what if one day I buy the last box of gluten-free cookies and someone who really needs gluten-free cookies can’t because I bought the last box so they buy regular cookies from Safeway that are pumped with gluten and they die from gluten overload, just because I wanted to buy cookies from Whole Foods?! WHAT. IF.
A few other concerns I have are the following:
- What’s up with juice cleanses? How do I know which flavors to get? Is it going to make me buttpee?
- WTF is bulgar?
- Why do all the male employees have such luscious beards? Is that a requirement to get hired?
- What is organic ice cream? Is the milk organic? What does that even mean.. do the cows eat organic food to produce organic milk????
I’m onto you, Whole Foods. You confuse me with useless healthy lingo and since I don’t know what most of it means, I end up buying the most expensive item because my logic tells me that if it’s more expensive, it’s better. Perhaps this is your marketing strategy, in which I applaud your genius-ness for taking advantage of my confusion.
Growing up in the Bay area with my frail, grandma-like-body, anytime it is under 60 degrees I think it is freakishly cold. I wear so many layers of clothes, I’m like a human jawbreaker and sometimes when I fall it doesn’t hurt.
But lately I’ve been reading the news about the record breaking cold in other states of America, and I truly appreciate the insanely not cold weather we have here. I just read in Minnesota that it plunged to minus 40 and I don’t understand how people there are still alive. What do these people do when it’s this asshole penetrating cold? Do they just stay inside their homes with the heater on blast, hoping the snow will eventually melt before they turn into human popsicles?! And if they do turn into human popsicles, will the bears eat them as frozen treats or will they be frozen as well? And once the polar vortex passes, where does it go?
I really hope it goes to Socal because those sluts are in shorts and I’m wearing a parka.
Various media sources have recently announced that vitamins basically don’t do shit except give you very expensive pee.
But I’ve taken vitamins my whole life and stopping now seems unsettling. Mostly because I enjoy sunshine colored pee, as it reminds me to wear brighter colors and to drink more water.
I’m hoping by the time I’m 80 my entire body will be a living glow stick.
I’m thankful for a lot of things, but at the moment I am thankful for all of my working body parts. I’m assuming most people overlook this because it’s like saying, “I’m really thankful for breathing” but when breathing becomes difficult it’s like, a really big deal. Every time I catch a cold, not being able to breath normally is the first thing I notice and then I want to die.
Aside from breathing, the one thing I took most for granted was time. When you’re young, time is endless and becoming an adult seems so far away. No one ever tells you how to become one and when it’s going to happen. It’s like being a teenager all over again, except this time with better clothes and bigger consequences. I always thought that by the time I’m 30, I’d have everything figured out. That I’d have a career I’m proud of, my own house, a life partner, and bigger boobs.
I’ve given up on the boobs, and I know I won’t achieve everything in two years, but I’m giving myself more time. I wasted so much of it on things that won’t last, but I’m slowly making adult decisions that hopefully my future self will be proud of.
Also, I lied about the boobs. They will get bigger.. I’m still growing.
You know when there’s a shirt or a dress you really want to buy, but before you buy it you see a complete asshole or a fat asshole wearing it? So, you end up not buying it because you don’t want to be seen wearing the same article of clothing as this other asshole?
I hate it when that happens. Especially if they are not wearing it correctly (i.e. if the dress is short enough to flash some thighs, there should be space in between them). Anyway, there should only be one asshole sporting the dress I want and it should be me.
The most awful human being I know has been on a rampage of preaching kindness and humility. It’s equivalent to rapists trying to put child molesters in jail. It doesn’t make sense and my head hurts.
To properly portray how I feel, here are words of wisdom from an equally immoral man- “By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise.” -Adolf Hitler