There are not many things I can say that I truly hate. For the most part, I only hate spiders, coconut in non-liquid form, slow drivers, pollen, root beer, Sarah H, dolphins, school, bras, pebbles, small chairs, paper cuts, anywhere that cuts off 3G and wifi, shiitaki mushrooms, wet seaweed, and birds.
To build up suspense, I saved what I hate the most for last.
It has been brought to my attention that in addition to the already many reasons as to why I hate birds, the newest one is that they will give you a disease that will kill you. BIRD FLU IS BACK! With 109 cases of H7N9 reported in China, including 23 deaths. Although the disease is not spread from person to person, scientists are calling it “one of the most lethal influenza viruses.” Thank you, scientists. Instead of telling me how lethal birds are, why don’t you find a way to kill them all?! Give them one of our diseases, like herpes. Anyway, with the newer, stronger strain of bird flu taking the #1 reason to hate birds, I’ve categorized the others:
2. Bird poop. I find it very suspicious that out of all the places birds can shit on, it always has to be on cars. Or more specifically, MY CAR. Sometimes I scan out some number of feet from the radius of my car to see where else birds may have shit on, and everywhere else is seemingly spotless. Flying rat bastards.
3. Birds will eat your pet/baby. They can carry up to twice their weight, so don’t leave small creatures you care for unattended.
4. Birds are fucking noisy. They wake me up early in the morning, and then trade places with owls at night. It’s like I live on a farm.
5. Birds can survive through anything. Did you know that birds are direct descendants of the Cretaceous extinction survivors? That means they survived mass extinction. Does that mean they are the zombies/vampires of the animal kingdom? I don’t trust anything that can survive that kind of turmoil.
Despite my negative feelings for birds, I wanted to end this on a good note so I google image searched “pretty birds.” Apparently google thinks colorful birds are pretty but I know how nature works. They are the retarded ones that get captured as pets or eaten by bigger birds because they have no camouflaging ability.