Good things come in six

A six pack, half a dozen, beer, condoms, McNuggets..

And half a year! Poor bf.. the past six months have been crazy. Like, Vietnamese girls seeking revenge kind of crazy.

When we first met, I knew you would be TROUBLE because cute boys are always trouble. I still haven’t figured out why, but you are lucky you’re cute because you are indeed trouble at its best. I wasn’t very drunk that night, but apparently you were, and it’s a good thing it was you and not me so when we tell our ‘how-we-met’ story, mine is more valid.

It’s funny how we started. Both of us knowing very well, to stay away from each other for various reasons. But we are a good example of how going against your innate voice of reason can turn out to be a good thing. And with the good comes the bad, and we both fell so fast, it was hard to keep our emotions in check (damn Korean temperament). But with all the crazy out of the way, the next 6 months, or six sears, or even sixty years, will be smooth driving from here.

I fell in love with you very quickly, and despite my saying it was because you are cute, that is not the only reason! It’s just the main reason.. ha! But it’s been the best six months and I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything we’ve been through has brought us to where we are now, and we’re happy and that’s all that matters. Let’s keep it this way. Otherwise, I kill you.

<3

Miss You

The only grandmother I’ve ever had and known passed away before Christmas. It was the first time someone I loved passed away, and it was a really sad and quiet time for everyone because no one knew how to put their sadness into words. I imagine my grandmother is nicely settled into heaven now, so I wrote her a letter to give her a break from poolside chillin with Frank Sinatra and Shirley Temple.

Hey, remember the time you curled my hair in ringlets to make me look like Shirley Temple, but instead you burnt off half my hair with ancient hot rollers because my hair is so much thinner than White people hair? Yeah, I forgive you. I’m sorry none of us were there by your side as you entered your new life in heaven. That wasn’t fair, but life isn’t fair, and you know that better than me. But what is fair, is that we all die, and we will all join you soon, and it’ll be really awesome for us because you’ll show us where everything is, especially the jacuzzi and open bar.

Death is a concept beyond my understanding. But what little I know about it is that death is really selfish. Not for the dying, but for the living. We miss you a lot and your presence is irreplaceable. It was the first time I ever saw Dad cry, and he didn’t even cry when I dropped a brick on the hood of his 64 Corvette. I hope that when you went, it was easy and painless. I hope there wasn’t a line, with pushy Chinese people who cut in front of you, and that you were greeted by loved ones holding giant signs with your name on it to make you feel right at home.

I wish we could have spent more time together. I wish you could have taught me how to cook fatty white people food like grits and gravy, and how to make pottery and stitch. When we’re together again, we’ll overindulge in butter soaked food and we won’t get fat or full because there are no carbs in Heaven, and our stomachs forever expand while we stay a size 0. I love you. You’ve rested long enough, party hard with the people you’ve missed for so long.

Stay alive

I only made one New Year’s resolution for 2012. I promised myself to stay alive, and I figured the best way to do that is to stop smoking. I shared this with a few people and they didn’t seem impressed, which is weird because not dying is a huge goal.

In addition to my one resolution, I shall try hard not to forget shit. Sometimes I feel like I have early symptoms of dementia, which is not something to joke about, but it’s starting to get me in trouble. It’s the most annoying when I’m trying to make a point with the bf, and then the conversation flips a bitch and lands me in the hot seat. Oh well.. I should be grateful that between the two of us, at least one of us has a good memory. I just wish that person was me.

Santa Baby

Dear Santa,

Happy Merry Birthday Christmas Holiday Spirit!!!

I think as a non-parent, I am still obligated to believe in you since my parents worked so hard to convince me you exist. I feel like we’ve grown up together. After all, I’ve been writing to you since I was 8, and even though you’ve never written back, we cool.

But you know, I’m 25 years old now and I think society considers me an adult, and I don’t think adults are supposed to write letters to Santa anymore so I’ve decided to stop. After this one, of course.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve moved past the gifts and I’ve learned that the true spirit of Christmas is love, peace, and good will towards men (this is way easier said than done because most of mankind= idiots). It’s about celebrating life with family and friends, and aside from the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, it’s a time to appreciate everyone and everything, including myself. This was the year that I’ve come to realize that not everything has to be perfect. Nothing can be perfect of course, but what isn’t perfect can still be right. I’m still learning that, and also how to not spill on myself while drinking and walking at the same time.

So, yeah. There you have it. No Christmas list filled with ‘wants and needs,’ but rather a hearty ‘Cheers!’ to life. Except, I’m still waiting on that pony I asked for 10+ years ago. Just sayin.

Cheers to the holidays!

J.K.

No Smoking

Fucking cigarettes. I’m not smoking them on a regular basis, but damn their seductive pull on me and making it hard to quit. It’s the oddest thing because the more trouble I have been having with my respiratory system, the more I cripple myself with smoke inhalation. It’s a debilitating relationship that I can’t seem to quit. Which raises the question- what other relationships are helping me versus hurting me.

Size matters

Size is SO important. It really differentiates what I consider scary and not scary. Which in turn, determines what I like and don’t like.

Let’s start with fish. I hate fish. They are gross and slimy and have weird glassy eyes, and on top of that, they are cannibals! So what do you get when you super size them and turn them into a mammal? DOLPHINS. These giant fish like creatures look all nice and friendly, but then they have freakishly small baby teeth and they look like rubber. What could you possibly be made out of to look like rubber and how can you trust anything that big with small baby teeth? Shouldn’t your teeth be proportional to your body size? Which brings me to body size…

I don’t think it’s nice to judge people based on their appearance. However, size is a different story. Every once in awhile, a tiny little girl would show up on my facebook newsfeed. She’s in random pictures and for the longest time, I thought she was someone’s little sister. And then one day, it finally occurred to me that she wasn’t anyone’s little sister but in fact, their FRIEND. And since we have mutual acquaintances I freaked out because if I ever run into her, I wouldn’t know what to do. Like seriously, why so tiny? I am so confused! Are you an adult? Are you a child? Are you some sort of adult-child hybrid? How would we communicate?

And then I remembered that I have better things to worry about, like figuring out what shade of red lipstick will make me look like a hooker the least.

If I could turn back time

I’d give you a really big hug and ask you.. how’s work, how’s school, how is your family doing? But most importantly, how are you doing?

And then I’d tell you what I’ve been up to. I hired a new coworker at work, so I have real human interaction now besides saying hi to DoucheyShrekFaceJason in the hallways all the time. School is a pain in the ass but I’m doing well and I kind of love it. My parents are the same, and just the other day my mom asked about you. And you know that never happens.. Overall, I’m alright. I think I’m on the right track, and I’m surrounded by good people. I wish you were still a part of my life, and I know someday you will be. But until then, I hope you’re happy. And stop being mad at me. You’ll understand one day.

I died a little bit inside

Watching Breaking Dawn was like getting stabbed in the brain for 2.5 hours. This movie was so terrible that a thesaurus can’t even come up with a better word. When I left the theater, I felt like like the biggest idiot in the world. Why was I there? Why did I insist on seeing it while completely sober and knowing it was going to be god awful? What makes it worse is that I dragged the bf to watch it with me, and now his faith in my life choices have been significantly altered to my disadvantage.

For the record, I read all 4 books so I knew what I was in for. Which actually, ACTUALLY makes it even worse. The first three books were fine, I guess. It was easy to get caught up in the romance of it all, but the fourth book is where it all changed. Half human, half vampire baby? How does a vampire even have viable sperm? ISN’T HE DEAD????

Sigh. Don’t even get me started on imprinting and telepathic werewolves.

Anyway, I’ll probably see the next one too. I have no self control.

Dear future husband

Dear future husband,

Congratulations! You are about to embark on an epic journey of awesome because people tell me all the the time that I’m awesome. And by “people,” I mean my mom. It’s probably because she made me, and the whole process hurt like a bitch so the pain turned to love by default. Kind of like the time I went glue gun crazy on an art project and the whole thing ended up sticky and bumpy like it had herpes. But it was herpes I made so I was really proud. Anyways. I know you think I’m awesome too because you want to marry me. Or maybe because I’m rich later in life and you are a gold digger? Either way, you are one lucky man and because I love you so much, here are some helpful tips on making our marriage last:

1. You know that saying, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend?” Well I’m no princess so I am going to make your life so much easier by being best friends with non-diamond jewelry, and pretty much anything else that’s furry, shiny, soft, squishy, heavy and/or wearable.

2. I’m a girl (duh). And Korean (sorry). Which means you get twice the crazy in one package so whenever we have disagreements, here is the best solution- get naked. Because no one fights when they’re naked. Seriously, have you ever seen a naked fight?

3. Let’s make a deal. From the day we get married, we are only allowed to gain 10 lbs more from our wedding day weight. (Me being the exception of course when I’m knocked up because you know, I’m assembling a watermelon sized human in my uterus). Otherwise, it’s false advertisement and I’ll sue.

4. I like chocolate and butter. Sometimes separately, sometimesl together. Whether I’m on my monthly crime-scene-in-my-pants cycle or not.

5. I’m adopting a baby. We’ll have offspring of our own of course, but I’m still adopting a baby. You must be on board with this because it’s a big deal, and since marriage is a partnership, I shall let you choose between:

a. Adopting a baby from Korea.
b. Adopting a baby from Africa so we can make him/her super Korean.
c. Adopting a twin so 18 years later we can reunite them to see which adoptive parents fucked up their kid more.

6. I’m not going to lie. I worry about having fat kids. And if we do, I need you to be a strong role model and eat all the healthy crap I lay out because kids learn from their parents. Kind of like how I learned not to like fat people from my mom. It’s a vicious cycle.

Are you reconsidering your marriage proposal yet? If you’re smart, you would be.

But in all seriousness, let’s do this. Let’s shrink together until we’re old and gray, and wrinkly to the point where it looks like we spent our lives in a bathtub. Because even though we can’t really promise to love each other forever, we’re young and dumb enough to try. After all, love is fickle and blind and volatile and selfish, and depending on it for ever lasting stability and security is like depending on the ocean for calm sailing. But I guess what I’m trying to say is, love makes people do stupid things, and since I’m a pro at stupid things, let’s do this.

I do.

J.K. (Just so there’s no confusion, those are my initials. Not like, just kidding. I realize now I could have added my middle name initial and avoided this explanation but, oh well.)

The Bigger Picture

I don’t think anyone else could have said it any better.

And now, a world without Steve Jobs
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

The world is full of visionaries.

We are, as a species, endlessly blessed with numerous beings of every shape, size and nationality who can see entire industries, economies, human conditions, nation-states, biological phenomena, the bend of history and the arc of time itself and then imagine or re-imagine ways they can work differently, more humanely, altogether better.

What’s more, the world is rife with people who’ve made enormous difference via their grand visions, who’ve helped millions, transformed lives, who are largely unsung and who may never receive Nobel prizes or massive media attention, much less seven billion in stock options and a mansion on the hill. These are people who work on some of the most difficult problems of our age — food production, disease, human rights, water, energy, the very survival of the species.

So then. No one can accuse Steve Jobs of being unsung. He was far from unappreciated, had no shortage of ego or wealth or power. And you can say his contributions to the world of technology and media weren’t exactly as essential to the betterment of the species as, say, ending starvation in Somalia, figuring out the triggers for HIV or ending our global dependence on oil.

But then again, maybe they were. Let’s just say it outright, with only a trace of hyperbole: The man nearly singlehandedly made modern tech life worth living, worth having, worth engaging. There’s not a pleasing, beautiful device or elegant GUI alive today that hasn’t been touched by Jobs’ and Apple’s sophisticated design ethos, from cars to homes, staplers to lamps, coffeemakers to vibrators.

The truth is undeniable: Because of Jobs, everything changed. Nay, everything got better. Deny it at your peril.Did Apple/Jobs invent it all from scratch? Of course not. Lumpish, dinosaur-like PCs were around before the breakthrough Apple II. MP3 players existed in some barely usable form before the iPod/iTunes juggernaut made it all make sense. Cell phones were a crapshoot buffet of inscrutable interfaces, haphazard form factors and lug-nut functionality before the iPhone steamrolled the industry and made every phone giant from Nokia to RIM to Sony into a gasping wannabe.

This, more than anything, appears to be the Jobs way. From chaos to grace. From confusion and incoherence to a singular, Zen-like clarity, ease, a mystical, trademark je ne sais quoi that no other visionary, no other CEO or company on the planet has been able to match. And from the looks of things, it might be awhile.

Do you want to try it? Imagining what the world would have been like without the Jobs influence, his design perfectionism, his Cassandra-like ability to see what would make our computers, our music, our conversations, our digital worlds more interesting, more gratifying, more all-around enchanting to use? It’s a bit like imagining the world if chocolate had never been invented. Or light bulbs. Or singing. Sure it’s OK and all, but, you know, damn.

Maybe this is the only question that matters, and the one that so easily puts Jobs on par with the most revered visionaries of this, or any age. What price grace? How to properly value not merely Chinese-made gizmos, but an entire liberal arts-inspired ethos that insists on making the messy, ridiculous modern world a thousandfold more lucid and enthralling, on making products that actually enrich lives, that inspire you to create beyond your normal range and capabilities?

In the coming weeks, once all the global accolades and tributes die down, it’s likely you’ll hear some whines coming out of the geek woodwork, various Apple haters grumbling that Jobs was overrated, his vision lopsided and flawed, that Apple was imperfect and closed-minded and didn’t sufficiently cater to the petulant open-source ubergeeks, ad nauseam. Whatever.

All you have to do is ask. Ask nearly anyone who owns any of the “i” family (Pod/Pad/Phone/OS), or maybe the stunning MacBook Air, or just about anything the company’s churned out in the past decade. You’ll hear essentially the same answer, coupled to a very familiar gleam in the eye: “Oh my God I love this thing.” It’s something akin to glee, to simple joy of using something that works so well, miraculous in its power, delightful to hold, completely confident of its place in the world. Try that with a Blackberry.

There’s a word for this sort of emotionally charged human/object interface, and it’s a word that’s almost never used when speaking of the cold, drab world of computer technology. The word is intimacy.

Simply put, Apple products make you want to touch them, interact with them, develop a personal relationship. They somehow spontaneously weave into your personality, like they were there all along, obvious and welcome and true. In other words, spend a week with a new iPhone and you start pitying the sad, lost person you must’ve been before you had it. Now that’s love.

I remember one of the first reviews of the iPad, coming shortly after all pundits everywhere predicted an epic failure for Apple’s awkwardly named tablet, that Jobs had finally overreached and the iPad would finally put an end to his unprecedented run of success. How cute they all were a few weeks later when sales skyrocketed, eating a million pounds of crow like that.

But never mind that now. The reviewer said that it wasn’t that the iPad was effortlessly gorgeous and easy to use, which everyone expected. It wasn’t that it exploded the iPhone’s functionality in radical and wonderful new ways apparently only Jobs could see.

It was that, 20 minutes into using the thing, after you’ve loaded up some photos and populated the iTunes library and stocked up on a few fave apps, suddenly the thing just clicks, there’s a hint of life, a connection. It’s as close as you can get to a personal relationship with a gadget shy of a Real Doll and gallon of WD-40. Amazing.

In the end, what matters is what you hold in your hand. What matters is how our various modern creations align with the soul. What matters is the amazing tech upon which I write these very words (MacBook Pro, minimalist wireless Apple keyboard, LCD cinema display), perhaps the most intuitive, beautifully designed pieces of mass market industrial design of our age.

And there’s really only one person to thank for it all, and he was a quiet, blue-collar Zen Buddhist college dropout multibillionaire who credits LSD for giving him a “Think Different” approach to the world. So much for business school.

Hence, sadness abounds. Jobs was only 56. Had he survived, who knows what he might have come up with over the next 20, 25 years, what industries he could have exploded, what young designers and programmers he would have inspired, what sort of glorious new devices he would have held up at Moscone Center in his trademark black turtleneck and jeans and “One more thing” master salesmanship. We will never know.

Well, we might know a little. Apple will likely cruise along just fine for a number of years on the sheer momentum of Jobs’ vision and corporate roadmap. There are surely a number of products in the Apple pipeline with his vision all over them. We’ll probably be OK for awhile.

But will it be enough time? For new energy to emerge, for a new visionary to step up, for the massive creative void Jobs left to be adequately filled? Impossible to say. Because while the world may be full of visionaries, it turns out Jobs was a bit more than that. Or a lot more. How do we know? Because as it stands right now, the world without him already feels a little more drab, murky, lost. Let us iPray.

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